2019: What I Need

2019. Wow. Couldn’t be any happier that 2018 is over and done. I’ve hit the lowest point in my life – sacrificed a lot of things but in the end, I still didn’t feel that I’m enough and worth it. I broke down so many times that I couldn’t even count anymore.

There’s just something about life that no matter how much you prepare for it, you will still be blindsided.

I’ve lost people in my life but thankful for those who remain my constant. It’s not a walk in the park to be part of my life, it takes a lot of patience and understanding – because as I’ve said a million times, I’m a work in progress. Let’s just say I’m on 60% now and improving.

Honestly, I don’t know what to expect from this year. Maybe its better this way because as soon as I’ve set expectations – its like the Universe conspires to just let me down. That’s selfish to say, yes, but when this happens to you all the time – you will get used to it. It’s like disappointment is always out there to get you.

But what do I really want for this year? Or is it really want or need? Sometimes I get confused with those two words and end up interchanging them. We’re all guilty of that, I know. Thinking that we want something or someone but in reality you don’t. Like you go shopping and find a handbag that you want – you end up buying it, spending money that you worked hard for but you come home to your other 10 handbags just sitting in the closet. So do you really need it? No. It doesn’t just happen to material things, it can happen to people, situations and relationships.

I’m turning 30 years old this year. The big 3-0. There’s so many things I’ve yet to accomplish, so many things that I need to do – but I always feel like I don’t have enough time. Maybe that’s just my excuse, so this year I need to stop making excuses and just do it. I also need to stop giving myself such a hard time because every time I do it – it’s hard for me to get back up.

I’ve learned so many lessons the past two years – that I should start putting myself first and stop settling. I’ve became so passive that I almost stopped loving myself and thinking that I don’t deserve any kind of goodness that comes in my way. I need to stop hurting myself for all the wrong reasons and I need to learn to let go of all the bad things because when I still have them in my life – I won’t have any space for the good and maybe even the best ones.

I stopped writing Life Lately updates not because I don’t have anything to write about. It’s mostly for the reason that my life became the biggest whirlwind there is, and everything changes overnight. I lost the momentum, the consistency. But this year, I need to change that. I can’t afford short-lived moments anymore. That’s just not what I need and I don’t want to live for those moments. This year, I’ll stick to consistency. I need it. And perhaps a new and better version of Life Lately?

Before this turns into a novel, because I’m sure it will be. 2019, I need you to be better. I can’t say I’m ready, because I’ll be lying if I do. I’m never ready but I’m welcoming this year with a better mindset and understanding.

Love,

Chel x

 

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